Cover Judging: Lord Nightingale's Love Song

The first truly fantastic cover I've seen in these last months:

First Glance: Ah, the Regency romance - fancy estates with extensive gardens, men in jackets and cravats, ladies in empire-waist gowns, horse-drawn carriages, and of course, pet parrots.  All the classics of the genre on one cover.

Another fun aspect of this cover, as pointed out by my co-worker Kat: the proportion of the parrot to the horse.  The parrot is at least the size of the horse's head, if not larger.  That is one killer parrot.  Score: 4 out of 5

Title: Lord Nightingale's Love Song is pretty straightforward for a romance novel; we've none of us any doubt that the couple pictured will fall in love.  It's not terribly creative, but it'll do.  Score: 3 out of 5

Tagline: Hooray!  I haven't found one with a tagline in awhile!

Can a spinster strike the right note with an eligible bachelor?

Pretty great - is hits on the great pun-ery that is the stock-in-trade of taglines.  Will she strike the right note in a book about a love song?  I think she will.  Score: 4 out of 5

Back of the Book: 

A Grumpy Gentleman . . . No one can make the Marquess of Bradford smile - except his favorite horse.

Uh, okay.

He avoids dancing at London balls.  He scowls at the marriageable misses in drawing rooms.

He scoffs at any woman who speaks - he'd rather converse with his dear horse.  At least the horse had interesting things to say.

And his gruffness scares shy Miss Eugenia when she meets him on a dark balcony. . .

Run away, Miss Eugenia!  He hates women!  I've watched Law & Order - it's only a short step from that to serial killer!

. . . before an instant attraction between them lights up the night.

Right.  Maybe she reminds him of his horse?

But she is off to Kent for the summer to care for the irascible Lord Nightingale and her young cousin Delight, and she never expects to see him again.

What?  Is Lord Nightingale another young child?

In fact, Miss Eugenia's London season had been a disaster . . . so she has resigned herself to spinsterhood when the Marquess of Bradford appears on her Kent doorstep - covered in mud and quite enraged.

No seriously, girl.  Run.  No good can come of this dude and his woman-hating anger issues.

Of course she suspects Lord Nightingale is behind Bradford's complaint!

Of course!  The irascible Lord Nightingale that's possibly a small child!  I still have no idea.

But she also believes a secret sadness had made him a curmudgeon.

No, he's probably just a jerk with a long-held grudge and you can't fix him.

His horse knows the truth . . . 

Naturally.

 . . . and so may Lord Nightingale.

What?  How?  Who is Lord Nightingale and why does he know random things?  Can he talk to horses?  Is the horse a talking horse?  Is that why the Marquess of Bradford is so fond of the horse's company?

I was so baffled as to Lord Nightingale's identity that I actually cracked open the book - something I've never done in the course of all my Cover Judgings.  And I can reveal to you that Lord Nightingale is the parrot.  A match-making parrot, to be precise.  Apparently, the incorrectly-named Lord Nightingale brings together couples by eavesdropping on one person and repeating the information he uncovered to the other.  By this method, he becomes the catalyst for four separate love matches over the course of the Lord Nightingale trilogy (plus Christmas special!). Straight-up truth.

I'm simply at a loss.  I already dislike the dude, no matter what his "secret sadness" is, but a match-making parrot?  That's golden.  Score: 5 out of 5

Final Score: 16 out of 20, meaning Silver Deveraux, but I'm giving Lord Nightingale an honorary Golden Fabio for Conceptual Mastery.

Cover Judging: The Blue Rose

If you ever want to get lost for a few hours (and you live in Logan), I recommend Books of Yesterday.   When you walk in, you'd think it was a normal, if a bit crowded used book store.  And you wouldn't be wrong, if you kept your wanderings to the first floor.

However, if you were to venture into the vast basement, you would find yourself surrounded: books on closely-spaced shelves, books piled on tables, books stacked underneath tables, books strewn about the floor, books hidden in a tiny old storage room.  It's a labyrinth of used and vintage books - the sheer volume is overwhelming.  You could spend an entire day there and still you wouldn't have sifted through half of the paperbacks in the basement.

Yesterday, I went in, hoping to find some vintage sewing or knitting books (which I will discuss later).  I was going to leave after I'd found a fab 1940s sewing manual, but the pull of the Basement was too strong.  Which is why, a few hours later, I found myself sitting on the floor, sorting through hundreds of Harlequin romance novels - five shelves' worth!  There was a dearth of Cover Judging material, to be sure, but I only bought one:

First Glance: I want her hair.  And her coat.  Also, I think I might need color contacts.  This edition was published in 1957, which seems about right, insofar as I'm in love with the fashion on the cover.  Compared to the other passionate embrace-style covers, The Blue Rose is decidedly cute.  It's also part of a trend I noticed: all the pre-1980s books prominently featured our girl on the cover.  Her fella is seen either in profile, as here, or in a smaller background illustration.  It's interesting, because it's the exact opposite now - often, the heroine isn't even featured on the cover, the better for her to be your stand-in.  I'm not sure where or why the tide turned, but it would be interesting to look into.  Anyway.  Score: 4 out of 5

Title: The Blue Rose could be any number of things: a boat used to run away from a domineering father who is arranging an engagement to that awful Percy Danforth; a restaurant where the lovely and quirky waitress catches the eye of a super-strict business man who just needs a little love to bring him to life; an off-off Broadway theater where our girl stars in a sparsely-attended play while a shy fellow sits in the back, holding a rose and working up the nerve to talk to her every night.  I like it when the title inspires me to make up corny plotlines.  Score: 4 out of 5

Back of the Book: 

Oh.  Another girl named Rose.  I think that brings the total up to four.  I'm trying to decide if this blurb is implying that Stephen has some dark, dangerous secret - it does say that Rose "feared" they may have made a "terrible mistake".  And yet the cover is so darn cute!  Maybe Stephen's dark secret is that he is already married, but he keeps his mad first wife locked in the attic, an unhappy reminder of the time he spent in the Caribbean.  And maybe Rose will run away and have some kind of odd relationship with an emotionless minister who wants her to go with him to India, but she'll return to Stephen and find him blinded as a result of the housefire created by his insane first wife.  And he'll be all deformed, but she'll decide to love him anyway.  And maybe that's why we only see his face in profile - because the other side is burned and craggy!  I think I just figured this all out.
But I feel like this story might exist somewhere else . . . Score: 3 out of 5


Final Score: 11 out of 15, qualifying for the Silver Deveraux, but with special awards in Adorability and Styling.

Cover Judging: Jamaican Sunset

From the author of The Pirate and His Lady comes . . .

First Glance: Clearly, our fella is the centerpiece of this cover and I'll get to him in a minute, but first, let's talk about his lady. It's rare that the heroine appears on the cover - even more rare that you can see her full face. Of course, the purpose of the lady in these novels is to be a surrogate for the reader - often you'll find that while her clothing enjoys rich descriptions, her actual features do not. Which is why our girl on the cover deserves some notice: were I to read this book, I would not be able to place myself in her role, as I do not have dark, curly hair nor do I have a lobotomized stare.

Now, on to our hero . . . LOVE HIM! When this book came through, I immediately fell for those well-defined features, accented with the world's best mustache (perhaps those who make it a life pursuit to study mustaches can tell me what this one is called). Not only does his facial hair recommend him, but that hair: falling in dark, sculpted waves past his collar. Clearly, this is a romantic hero for the ages. Score: 4 out of 5

Cover Judging: Stardust of Yesterday

I've not done one of these in awhile. This one is pretty great, though.
First Glance: I'm thinking tale of a lost love - there's a hazy overlay on top of the portrait of this man's eyebrows, plus it seems that a rose has been laid, possibly on his grave. Causes of death? Perhaps Sandra Bullock wasn't there to push him out of the way of a train. Or maybe that Orange County car wreck turned fatal. Or, most likely, that ballerina freaked out after he told her she didn't have great feet and she attacked him. Feel free to extrapolate on any other Peter Gallagher roles I'm forgetting. Score: 4 out of 5

Cover Judging: American Heroes, Against All Odds

Happy 3rd of July! In honor of the upcoming holiday, we're leaving the highlanders and lairds in their dark Scottish castles and heading home to the States. I feel quite happy to introduce you to some real American Heroes:This series was published in the late 80s-early 90s and included an American Hero from each state. (see here to view all the covers)

Unfortunately, the series is out-of-print, so I'm unable to view the back covers and give a full Cover Judging. So we'll have to go with supposition.

From the Colonies:For me, it's a tough decision between Delaware and Maryland. Delaware, he looks like he could drop some Derrida in conversation, yet still seem unpretentious and kind. But Maryland, he looks as though he's overcoming the loss of someone special and needs some extra care so he can love again; also, the sweater. I don't know. These New England guys, I tell you.

Some Southern Gentlemen:Oh, hands down it's Louisiana. Somewhere in his plantation, I'm in my suite, making a dress out of curtains and having my maid pull my corset tighter.

For our more modern fellas, I find that Missouri has a soulful gaze and perhaps a troubled past. Perhaps he's a policeman who recently lost his partner in a shoot-out and if he'd only shot the bad guy half a second sooner, his partner would still be alive. And he really misses ol' Smitty and needs to talk it through. I'm there for him.

Cover Judging - Black Jack

First Glance: I feel like romance covers had a real renaissance in the 80s-90s, what with Fabio and all, and they've been reaching for that second lightning strike ever since. Quite literally, in the case of Black Jack. This book was, surprisingly, published this year, 2010. But the cover styling is so very 80s, with the black and neon blue color scheme. The fella, the titular Black Jack presumably, checks the boxes: ab definition, waxed pectorals, cleft chin. It's all very by the numbers, thus I'm having a hard time finding anything funny to say. Score: 3 out of 5

Cover Judging - To Tame a Highland Warrior

All right, friends. I've taken a month off from Cover Judging to remind myself that the GRE board does not define "enervate" as 'a spell in Harry Potter that is used to restore a person to consciousness."

Side note: Other Harry Potter spells that find their home on the GRE Vocab "Hit List":
evanesc(ent)o, impervious, obliviate, and stupefy.

This is all to say that I've not abandoned judging books by the covers. Why, here's one now . . .

First Glance: There's not a whole lot there, visually, with this one: the author's name and the title reserve about three-quarters of the cover. And we get a bicep (though he's cheating by crossing his arms) and a shadowed glimpse of waxed chest in a sort of blue-toned black-and-white. In this case, however, the visual isn't the point . . . Score: 3 out of 5

Cover Judging - A Highlander Christmas

This isn't an official Cover Judging; it's a belated Christmas gift.
Regularly scheduled Cover Judging to resume next week. Love, M

Cover Judging - The CEO's Christmas Proposition

I've made a discovery this festive season: Silhouette Special Editions. From their website:

"These contemporary romances from the Silhouette Special Edition line will strike a chord with you as heroines find the balance between their work lives and personal lives on the way to true love!"

Doesn't that sound like a thrilling story? Furthermore, most of these tales of balancing work life and personal life occur during the holiday season. So, without further adieu, here is the first of a few Christmas titles I have for you:

First Glance: This one is all about the styling: I am 100% in favor of her shiny gold pumps. Especially because they match the gold lamé top she's sporting. Also: her hair. And his hair, now I look at it - gotta love a side-part. I'm also loving the weirdly shaped fairy-light sculptures behind our happy couple. And, as the wreath at the bottom left informs me, this appears to take place somewhere with photo-worthy architecture. Score: 4 out of 5

Old-Timey Cover Judging: The Quicksilver Pool

Donations are all the same, usually. Most days, the donation bin overflows with pocket-sized paperbacks that cost $6.99 at the grocery store. Sometimes, grandpa clears out his shelves and shelves of Louis L'Amour; other times grams is getting rid of evidence that links her to her romance novel obsession. Occasionally, we'll get a book-of-the-week type who reads their bestseller once before passing it on to us. But, for the most part, the bin is full of paperbacks that can fit in your purse.

Which is what made this most excellent novel stick out even more:
First Glance: It's got a bit of that oil-painty look often employed in Regency romance novel covers. But there's just something so adorably old-fashioned about this cover. Maybe it's her face, which has the pristine look of a 50s screen siren; maybe it's his lantern-jawed facial structure. It could be the font, which seems strangely old and modern at the same time. It might be the colors - raise your hand if you want that pink dress! I'm not sure, but the old-fashioned look of this book had me intrigued. Score: 4 out of 5

Second-Page Surprise!(forgive the photo, which was taken with a co-workers phone)

When one opens The Quicksilver Pool, one finds yet another detailed rendering of the story's characters. I'm assuming that's our heroine in the fabulous green dress, though her hair color seems to have changed. There appears to be a stiff, perhaps disapproving, matronly figure ensconced in the middle of the parlor. The red drapey curtains give it an ominous feel, so immediately I'm thinking the matronly figure might have sinister tendencies. Score: 4 out of 5

Title: The Quicksilver Pool - it's hard to judge this one by my usual standards, because I'm usually looking at books from the last twenty or so years. Also, I don't know anything about quicksilver as a substance, so I can't go into any symbolic connotations. But the name has a romantic sound to it, so I'm giving it high marks. Score: 4 out of 5

Back-of-the-Book (or Inside Flap, as is the case): This one is best described in movie-pitch terms: it's Jane Eyre meets Gone with the Wind, but with an angry ghost! Intrigued? Listen to this:

"The great Tyler mansion on Staten Island became a house of menace and hidden danger for Lora Blair from the moment she arrived there as the new bride of Wade Tyler."

House of menace and hidden danger! I love it!

"Years before, Wade's first wife Virginia had died there under mysterious circumstances. No one dared speak openly of her death to Lora, and every day Lora faced increasing hostility from everyone at the Tyler house."

I'm guessing that imperious-looking matronly character is the main source of the increasing hostility our Lora faces.

"With mounting horror Lora soon realized that some unseen, unknown person was maneuvering her to the edge of what could be a fatal "accident." Was the same death being prepared for her?"

I love the wording of the final question - what an odd concept, death being prepared. Plotted, yes. Planned, sure. But prepared? It sounds so strange, yet it makes me want to read the book, in hopes of finding more interesting, out-of-place phrasing. Score: 4 out of 5

Final Score: 16 out of 20 - Though qualifying for the Silver Deveraux, The Quicksilver Pool stands by itself in Cover Judging. It's not ridiculous or mock-worthy; it's also not the most amazing book cover ever. It's simply an interesting bit of forgotten-novel history.

P.S. Here are a few different paperback editions of the book:I think our cover is the best, though.

Cover Judging - Moon Awakening

But first . . . from our friends at the OED:

laird: A landed proprietor. In ancient times limited to those who held [land] immediately from the king. The southern form lord was as early as the 14th c. introduced into Scottish use in the English senses of the word.

highlander: A native of the Highlands of Scotland. Also, a soldier of a Highland regiment. First introduced in 1642 by James Howell's "Instructions for forreine travell."

So, in summation: laird rich, highlander ripped. Now that we've cleared that up . . .First Glance: My first instinct was "magical highlander." It's the background, really, that gives away the magic - the various textures layered on top of the ocean, the ethereal quality of the colors, the line drawing at the top that might be a griffin. These things all equal some sort of magic. Moving on to our hero, his chest tattoo may be magical. I'm guessing he belongs to some kind of order who claim the bear as their mascot (UC Riverside, mayhap?). Furthermore, the detailing on his boots looks pretty magical. And finally, while his ab and chest definition are impressive, I think the last word on his magical powers lies in his half-ponytail. Score: 4 out of 5

Title: Moon Awakening: Book One of the Children of the Moon - Initially, I thought Moon Awakening was meant to sound like "rude awakening." Perhaps a story about a naive young girl from a small Scottish village who meets a man who teaches her a few life lessons, most importantly how to love. They all live on the blustery moors ever after, the end. Maybe the magical element is just the magic of true love?

But then I saw the subtitle and came to the conclusion that werewolves are our magical element. Making this book a part of the apparently rich vein of were-hybrid romance. I suppose our hero is a werehighlander? Score: 3 out of 5 (for making me think it might be a pun, but then pulling the rug out with the subtitle)

Tagline: "Bestselling author Lucy Monroe introduces an enthralling new romantic tale that pushes the boundaries between love and hate, passion and pain - and man and beast."
Ummmmmmm, nope. I can see where they're going ("these things are opposites! but the story shows that they're not so different!"), but I'm not headed there with them. It's just not a very catchy tagline - it gets bogged down at the end with the weird sentence construction + overuse of the word "and." Oxford comma, friends: look it up! Score: 2 out of 5

Back-of-the-Book: I think, with this one, it will be best to just get into it:

"When Emily Hamilton's family is ordered to send a woman to the Scottish Highlands for marriage to the laird of the Sinclairs, Emily volunteers in order to save her younger sister from such a fate."

So, our brave heroine sets off for her new life as lairdess of the Sinclairs, only to find that her "stubborn streak" compels the laird of Sinclair to cancel the marriage. Emily's "stubborn streak" compels her to remain at the castle of her rejector, refusing to return home.

So, while Emily's dealing with the various effects of Stockholm Syndrome*, we learn a bit more about our hero. His name is "Lachlan (of course), laird of the Balmoral clan - and leader of his pack." So I guess that makes him a werelaird, rather than a werehighlander. Anyway, apparently he's quite villainous:

"One of the most feared werewolves prowling the Highlands, he is on the march against the hated Sinclairs . . . He kidnaps the sister of the Sinclair laird, planning to marry her off in revenge - but the woman he takes along with her proves to be the greater prize . . . "

Ugh, really? A double kidnapping? And what makes Emily the "greater prize"? She was only at the castle because she was refusing to leave - the Sinclair guy doesn't want her there. I don't see any substantial ransom coming your way, Lachlan buddy.

" . . . For Emily feeds a desire he never knew existed."

Oh. Of course. Right you are, then.

"And though Lachlan would not think of marrying a human - an English-woman at that - he must know how a mere woman could take his heart so easily . . . "

Um, because she offers you table scraps and scratches behind your ears? Score: 3.5 out of 5 (I only read the back of these novels and already I'm bored with the revenge kidnap that turns into passionate love storyline)

Final Score: 12.5 out of 20 - Moon Awakenings really should get the Steele Pendant, but I'm awarding it the Bronze Feather because of its strong showing in the First Glance category. They're lucky I'm a sucker for a magic man in a half-ponytail.

*I made the mistake of thinking I was clever with my Stockholm Syndrome joke, but apparently I've already used it in my critique of Miranda and the Warrior, a similar tale about the loving bond between kidnapper and kidnappee.

Cover Judging - On the Edge

There seems to be a correlation between the ridiculous and sci-fi romance novels - three of the five novels featured here have come from the marriage of these genres. My pile of Post-Its containing future features are over half sci-fi-mance. Many of the titles are vampire-related, a few are werewolf. I have a couple that are general magic - wizards and such.

But this one seems pretty special. I've saved it for Halloween week:First Glance: Very, very special: pretty girl in denim, leaning against an old pickup, holding a magic shotgun; disembodied floating strong-jawed head, complete with what I'm guessing are "piercing" blue eyes; sunset-y background, giving everything a nice reddish glow. Excellent, excellent work there. And the featured quote in the middle of the cover is a nice touch, too. Score: 4.5 out of 5

Title: On the Edge - I'll go with it. It could refer to a magical world whose precipice stands on the Edge; it could refer to a clandestine romance; it could refer to our heroine's emotional state. I like when I have options. Score: 3.5 out of 5

Tagline: What? No tagline! Sad day.

Back-of-the Book: Fortunately, it seems they've saved their creativity for the back of the book:

"The Broken is a place where people shop at Wal-Mart and magic is nothing more than a fairy tale."

Oooooooh, nice Wal-Mart reference. This book is clearly appealing to those of us in middle America - you know, because we all drive old pickups, own guns, and shop at the Wal-Mart. On the Edge was just published a few months ago, so TOPICAL! Points for being recession-friendly! Anyway, there's more:

"The Weird is a realm where blueblood aristocrats rule and the strength of your magic can change your destiny. "

All right. Obviously we don't like any bluebloods, and maybe in this case, "magic" is a stand-in for money or influence. OR BOTH. It's like a fable for our times or something. And here's our heroine:

" Rose Drayton lives on the Edge, the place between both worlds."

Ah, Rose. Another Rose. A delicate flower, but a flower with a built-in defense system: thorns. Never forget what Poison taught us: every Rose has its thorn. Our Rose, it seems, lives in rather dangerous circumstances:

"A perilous existence indeed, made even more so by a flood of magic-hungry creatures bent on absolute destruction."

Let's focus on this "flood of magic-hungry creatures bent on absolute destruction" as part of our economic fable. Could they be those unfortunate people who bought into the sub-prime mortgage market? Or is it another level up - are they the lenders who offered these mortgages? Or are they the ultimate evil - investment bankers? And how will our Rose defeat them? What magic will she use? Does she hold the key to bailing out the unsuspecting citizens who live in The Broken? Man, this book is taking me places I never expected. Score: 5 out of 5

Final Score: 13 out of 15 - On the Edge qualifies for the Silver Deveraux, but it was very close to the Gold. The disembodied head gets a major thumbs-up from me, as well as the apparent economic fable Ilona Andrews has crafted.

Cover Judging - Leigh Greenwood's Seven Brides: Rose

One day, I am going to create a series of novels. I'm not going to write it, naturally. I'm going to create it. I need only write the first book and after that, I'm free to enjoy a rewarding life as a brand-name author. My name will be in a larger font than the actual title of the book; the series title may be larger, too. It's likely that I may insist on a possessive. I'm just in the brainstorming phase right now, but here's a mock-up of the finished product (click to make larger):
It's good, right?

Oh, and I'd like to thank the person responsible for inspiring my pursuit of this whispered-about portion of the publishing industry: Leigh Greenwood.
First Glance: Pretty standard stuff here, but it's okay to do standard if you do it well. And this cover does it well: passionate couple standing at an impossible angle (seriously, 45 degrees, at most), frilly, slightly-revealing dress for her, sunset-y background. I'm slightly confused by his Ten Commandments get-up, since I'm assuming this is one of seven brothers who won the West. I like the little miniature portrait of Rose - that's a quality detail. Overall, good job. Score: 3.5 out of 5

Title: Leigh Greenwood's Seven Brides: Rose - I pretty much covered my thoughts on this in the intro. I'm just going to add my thoughts on the series concept of Seven Brides: why not go full plagiarism and call it Seven Brides for Seven Brothers? Or even go for a higher number! Nine Brides for Nine Brothers would mean two more moneymakers sitting out on the grocery store shelves! Regardless of Ms. Greenwood's oversight in this matter, I'm giving it high marks for branding, trite concept, and the afterthought of an actual title. Score: 4 out of 5

Tag Line: "Seven brothers who won the west - and the women who tamed their hearts."
Again, pretty standard. The dude is manly, obvs, since he's out winning the West. After he's done raising the homestead, he's going to need a strong-willed woman to fight with and eventually love. Points for cramming two cliches next to each other, though. Score: 2.5 out of 5

Back-of-the-Book: Evidently, our Rose's full name is "penniless, friendless Rose Thornton." Desperate for work, Rose responds to a want ad asking for "a woman to cook, clean, and wash for seven men." Now, not only does she have means of support, but she happened to be hired by an "incredibly handsome man" named George.

"But when she first set eyes on her hero's ramshackle ranch (Alliteration!) in the wilds of the Texas brush country and met his utterly impossible brothers, Rose decided even George's earth-shattering kisses weren't compensation enough for the job ahead of her."

I wonder how that job interview went. "And regarding payment: are you willing to accept earth-shattering kisses as compensation?" I guess our girl was okay with this arrangement when she was staring at George's "incredibly handsome" face, but then she met his brothers . . .

"Never in her life had she seen a place more in need of a woman's touch, or men more in need of a civilizing influence. The Randolph brothers were a wild bunch and they weren't about to let any female change their ways . . . not until George laid down the law and then lost his heart to the beguiling spitfire who'd turned all their lives upside down."

Yep. The back of the book just summarized the entire plot for you. You're welcome! The brothers lives are turned upside down by Rose, the "beguiling spitfire," and George and Rose get together. The End. Points for the thesaurus work, though. Score: 3.5 out of 5

Final Score: 13.5 out of 20 - Leigh Greenwood's Seven Brides: Rose gets the Bronze Feather for sheer competence. Entertainingly cheesy cover, decent tag-line, and a "beguiling spitfire" of a protagonist. Good enough to place, Ms. Greenwood.

Breaking Coverage: Get it, COVERage?

A few months ago, a book cover crossed my path. It was so amazing that it has since become legend in my mind. I've described it's absolute awesomeness several different times to several different people: "he's, like, scaling a wall shirtless, as his blond ponytail streams down his back and it looks like there might be fire in the background, maybe symbolically, I don't know, I didn't read the back."

Unfortunately, I was less observant then, and didn't catch the title of this feat of book coverness. But then, by a simple twist of fate, this book crossed my path again, unbidden, tonight.

And now I know its name: MICAH.


You're speechless, right? I don't know if I should even break it down - clearly I'll be awarding it the coveted Golden Fabio. I'll go through the motions anyway . . .

First Glance: There are hardly words. It's beyond perfect. The ponytail, the shirtlessness, the ridiculous muscular display, the desperate need to reach his beloved. It's everything a romance novel cover should aspire to become. Score: 5 out of 5

Title: I don't even care that it's a boring title. The picture earns the right to a boring title. Score: 5 out of 5

Tag Line: "Raising the dead was easy. Love was hard . . . "
[record-needle scratch] Whaaaaaaat? You're telling me that supernatural forces are involved? And that conquering said forces is far less complicated than love? Full credit, friends. Score: 5 out of 5

Back-of-the-Book: Evidently, this book is part of an 18-book (and more coming) series about intrepid vampire hunter Anita Blake. Could the titular Micah be part of a forbidden vampire/hunter love? No. It's even better:

"But I’m not alone. Micah is with me. Micah, head of the St. Louis wereleopard pard. King to my Queen. The only one of my lovers who can stir my blood with just a glance from his chartreuse cat’s eyes. I was happy to have him at my side."

This book is like the proverbial many-layered onion - you keep peeling back a layer, only to find a new, possibly better layer.

At first glance, it's just a cheesy cover featuring a shirtless man named Micah scaling a wall to reach his beloved. Then it turns out to be a supernatural romance, wherein the supernatural forces are much less complicated than love. And then you learn that it's not just any supernatural romance: it's a vampire hunter/wereleopard romance. And the wereleopard has "chartreuse cat's eyes." It's a process of discovery that's so rewarding, I feel as though I can't do anything but take you along for the ride. Score: 5 out of 5

Final Score: 20/20 GOLDEN FABIO. Are you kidding? I might even have to change the name of the award to the Golden Micah.

Note: So, is wereleopard a thing now? It would make some sense if the leopard-man from Burning Wild belongs to this species. What instigates the wereleopard's transformation? Do they get along with their canine brethren or is there some kind of feline superiority complex happening? There are so many questions.

Cover Judging - Miranda and the Warrior

This week's winner comes to us from the great HarperCollin's imprint, Avon, a publisher so bold as to declare "We know what women want."

After mastering "what women want," Avon decided to move on to what young women want. And what these kids want is knowledge - kids want to learn about the past, but they want to do it in a fun way! They want to read historical fiction, but they want romance! They want adventure! They want shallow, perfunctory research and broadly-drawn caricatures! And thus, the Avon True Romance series was born.

A quick Wikipedia search reveals that this series contains twelve books, all written by popular authors (this explains why Meg Cabot, whom I usually adore, wrote the dreadful Nicola and the Viscount and Victoria and the Rogue). A few books in the series were returned all at once this week, so I was able to pick my favorite: Miranda and the Warrior.


First Glance: Adorable. ADORABLE! See the way she looks at him with complete twitterpated-ness? And how he returns her gaze austerely, standing beside her with manly confidence? And they are in the mountains, perhaps in uncharted territory! Adventure! Yet her adorable yellow dress remains stain and wrinkle-free! Symbolism! It's like they captured the purity and truth of a girl's first love, set it in frontier times, and put it on a book cover! Score: 4 out of 5

Title: This is hard, because obviously the title needed to conform to the Avon True Romance house style: "Girl and the Man with Historical Occupation." (Beside the aforementioned Meg Cabot titles, we have Amelia and the Outlaw, Catherine and the Pirate, and my personal favorite, Tess and the Highlander. You know I love anything involving highlanders.) It's hard to fault the author for giving the book such a boring, pun-free name.

Yet, Miranda and the Warrior doesn't work for another reason: Miranda isn't a believable frontier name. With the entire tome of Little House on the Prairie available, you'd think the author could skim through and find a better first name. Something like Nellie or Ida or I don't know, Mary? Score: 2 out of 5

Back-of-the-Book: Miranda is the only child of a U.S. Cavalry major, making her a prime bargaining tool when the Cheyenne warrior Shadow Walker kidnaps her. Evidently, Shadow Walker believed he'd captured a girl, "but he comes to realize that she is not just a girl, but a headstrong woman" (I believe the correct terminology is 'not a girl, not yet a woman'). Miranda, naturally, "defies him at every turn," yet inexplicably, "captive and captor grow closer and soon uncover feelings they had thought impossible" (Stockholm Syndrome?). We are left with but one question: "Would they risk everything they once held dear - for each other?" I think we all know the answer to that question. Score: 3.5 out of 5

Extra credit: While I can't offer credit for the name Miranda, I can provide a few bonus points for Shadow Walker. Score: +3

Final Score: 10.5 out of 15 - That gets the Silver Dodd, for excellence in adorably chaste cover art and competence in back-of-the-book final question asking. Congratulations to Miranda and her warrior, Shadow Walker.

Cover Judging - Burning Wild

This week's winner belong to a special category of romance novel book covers: the Second-Page Surprise.

Usually, these covers are abbreviated, letting you know there's something on the next page. The front cover will show the couple standing on a windy moor, the man's arms wrapped protectively around his lady love. BUT THEN you turn the page and bodices start ripping, skirts fly all over the place, and the romance of the moors generally gives way to a stolen moment of passion or other some such nonsense.

That's a long explanation that describes most Second-Page Surprises. The other kind of S-PS usually involves a fantastical element: he seems so chiseled and normal on the front BUT THEN you turn the page and find out he's a vampire or a werewolf or a wood nymph. And that is where this week's winner fits:

First Glance: All right. It hits the right notes: strong jawline, chiseled cheekbones, furrowed brow. The overlay of the leopard suggests an element of danger, perhaps, and I love the "we're on a crazy safari"-style font. I'm never crazy about the author's name being larger/more prominent than the book title, but whatevs. It's a decent cover that made me think there might be something more . . .

And I was so very right. He seemed so well-cut and normal, like any guy you might find while on safari in Africa BUT THEN you find out he's part leopard. Score: 4.5 out of 5

Title: Burning Wild - it could refer to a plot to destroy wildlife OR it could refer to an all-consuming, uncontrollable passion. Clever. Score: 3.5 out of 5

Tag Line: "What they desired was more dangerous than animal instinct . . ." I'm guessing she forgoes the wildlife conservation possibility and goes straight for the all-consuming, uncontrollable passion. Nice use of the animal theme, though. Score: 3.5 out of 5

Back-of-the-Book: "The #1 New York Times bestselling author of the Dark Carpathian novels now returns to the exotic, sensual and dangerous world of her bestseller Wild Rain. This time, what goes on between male and female is wilder than animal instinct - and twice as hot."
- - - - > This one is losing points fast, not only because I'm totally unimpressed by the NYT bestseller shill line. Mainly, I'm mad at the back of the book for contradicting the tag line - is what they desire "wilder than animal instinct" or "more dangerous than animal instinct"? You're sending me mixed messages, BotB, and now I don't know if I should expect a tale of passion or a tale of danger. Score: 2 out of 5 - I am very disappointed.

Final Score: 13.5 out of 20 - Christine Feehan's Burning Wild gets the Bronze Feather. While they truly succeeded in the image portion, the lackluster and contradictory back cover really hurt them in the long run. Plus, HOW COULD THEY NOT USE SOME FORM OF "CAN THIS LEOPARD REALLY CHANGE HIS SPOTS?"????? Honestly, people. It was sitting right there.

Cover Judging - Prince of Swords

It wouldn't be inaccurate to say that this cover inspired me to finally begin this feature. I'm always thrilled to find a great cover, but I can't describe the ebullience I felt when I spotted this gem as I gathered the book drop. It came with two brother books, Prince of Fire and Prince of Magic, each worthy covers in their own right. But, by my own estimation, the Prince of Swords far surpassed its brothers:
Title: Prince of Swords - a bit too straightforward to yield any major points. Half credit. Score: 2.5/5

First Glance: The picture really checks all the boxes - strong jaw and well-cut cheeckbones, piercing stare, finely-structured physique coated in oil, intricately-carved sword at the ready. The swirly background suggests that magic may be involved somehow. Score: 4.5/5

Tag Line: "To fulfill a prophecy, she will have to seduce him . . ." - - For me, the tag line really pushed this cover over the edge and into the sublime. Of course that's what has to happen. Of course. Score: 6/5

Back-of-the-Book: ". . . a shackled virgin must choose between the monster she knows and a sexy stranger who could spell doom-or help her fulfill the Prophecy of the Firstborn." - - I'm awarding points for the following phrases: "shackled virgin" and "a sexy stranger who could spell doom." Excellent descriptive language that really gives the reader a feel for the tone of the story. Score: 4/5

Final score: 17/20 I'm awarding this the Silver Deveraux, for excellence in un-ironic over-the-top drama. Just missed qualifying for the Golden Fabio, but a truly worthy, hilariously cheesy contender. Godspeed, Prince of Swords.

Cover Judging - rules and regulations

One of the joys associated with working in a library is romance novel covers. Often, six or seven paperbacks are turned in at once, giving my co-workers and I a chance to determine which cover is best.

A good boredom game is looking through the shelving cart for the cover that best embodies the romance novel. Points are awarded for the following:

• bare chest
  
• kilts
  
• bare-chested in a kilt
  
• highlander
  
• highlander with bare chest in a kilt
  
• long hair
  
• wind flowing through long hair
  
• standing on a moor with arms wrapped around lady love
  

These are merely the basics - I will consider sci-fi and Regency tropes as they occur.

Additional points are available for exceptional tag-lines or back-of-the-book synopsis. Terribly punny titles will also be considered. Entries will be based on books checked in during my regularly scheduled library shifts; finalists will be posted on this blog each week.

Finalists will be awarded one of the following:
The Golden Fabio - for true excellence in romance covers; finalists receiving this award exhibit a dedication to craft and a willingness to go above and beyond mere requirements.
The Silver Deveraux - for technical and creative proficiency in the craft of romance covers; finalists exhibit a keen understanding of the elements required of a successful cover.
The Bronze Feather - for a basic understanding of romance covers; finalists receiving this award may excel in one area, but need work in others.
and finally . . .
The Steele Pendant - for those finalists exhibiting a disregard for the art of the romance cover; those receiving this dishonor have abandoned true passion and are merely follow formula for the purpose of book sales.