Dear Ms. Bronte,
We regret to inform you that the copyright for your novel Wuthering Heights has lapsed. While we prefer your sister Charlotte's bigamous brooder Rochester to the tortured, vengeful Heathcliffe, we recognize his value as the originator of the dark romantic hero. Furthermore, Kate Bush never wrote a song about Rochester.
The purpose of this letter is to inform you of the big plans we have for your novel. As we're sure you're aware (even from beyond the grave), your classic story of tortured, passionate love has found its way into the pop-culture vampire phenom Twilight! Congratulations!
We're delighted to tell you that this has generated a renewed interest in your work, with many readers hoping to discover the connection between their favorite vampires and Heathcliffe and Cathy. Which is why we've taken the liberty of repackaging your work:We've taken Wuthering Heights to new heights! Some readers may have passed by your work previously, but we've reminded them that this is Bella and Edward's favorite book! We've removed any hint of unhappiness and vengeful hatred and turned it into a continuation of the Twilight universe! And to further the connection between the two works, we've told fans that "Love never dies" - a statement as true for Bella and Edward as it is for Cathy and Heathcliffe!
Which brings us to this next, tricky question. Now, we don't want to impinge on your artistic integrity, but we're wondering if there's something you can do about that icky unhappy ending? We would love to meet with you and have several ideas for potential re-writes.
Again, Ms. Bronte, our sincerest congratulations on the renewed interest in your work.
P.S. We were wondering if you had contact information for Mr. Shakespeare - we'd love to chat with him about some exciting new ideas we have for one of his plays!*but not really, it's just me responding to stimuli. xoxo, M